Forever Lost

I don’t understand life. I guess I understand nothing at all. Why things are the way they are, why people are the way they appear to be? For me, nothing seems real. Like, I’m in a deep sleep somewhere in the galaxy where I’m dreaming the worst dream anybody could ever dream of.

Every damn day of my life, I’ve felt like I don’t belong here. I guess I never did. I feel like this is not the way I supposed to be. Actually not only me, for me, nobody seems that way. The way things work here is so unreal and looks so simple yet so complicated.

Sometimes I feel everything that is happening here has no meaning at all. Worthless. If the death was easy, I would be far gone. But death’s hard so I’m kind of stuck here. As in trapped shell. No way out. Just unescapable.

My body has always been here but not my soul. Some other place far from this owns my soul. Had the people here been not so cruel but human, would I not be living this life? I wouldn’t have been this lost. This broken. This hurt. This alone.

I’ve thousands of reasons to kill myself and leave. But I’m still struggling to find out that one thing that my soul would let me stay. And, rescue this world from cruelness.

Sometimes, I feel like I can change the world but at the same time bunch of questions would strike my mind. Does this world deserve my love, care, sacrifice, and effort? Am I enough for the revolutionary change I want to bring in here?

I’ve been alone all my life. I wouldn’t be wrong if I say I never had friends. Because the definition I know of “Friend”, no, I’ve never experienced that one. Hell no!

Not yet.

Friends I know are selfish ones. People who pretend to care are as fake as Chinese products these days. And here I am, I tried helping others embrace their weakness and ease their pain while they dealt with their shit. And, I discover that being selfless would lead me to this destination. And this is where I was born. Huh? Why the fuck would I wanna live here?

And why in a place like this, would someone not feel worthless, trapped, hurt, broken, and pain?

I live in a world where the color of your skin defines who you are. The way you look, amount of things you own, states how many friends you’re gonna have, how many people are gonna love or hate you for who you are, who you fail to be, or who you are not. On that base, people’s judgment and treatment depend. They make you feel worse and make yourself your biggest enemy.

This is the kind of world you live in. I said You live in.

Cause I never lived.

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